I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
