So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
