she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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