Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
