Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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