what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
