i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
