Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He better not be in your backpack
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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