I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
