I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
