Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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