I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
