Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
