i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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