Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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