Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
