I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
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