I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
