the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
