he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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