Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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