My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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