The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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