dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
