I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
