My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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