I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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