i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
