yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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