I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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