I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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