I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
