i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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