I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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