ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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