I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
