I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
