Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
