I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
