he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
