Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
