Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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