Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize