I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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