Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
