highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
