shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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