Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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