I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize