I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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