I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
