My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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