I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
