I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
