you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
