there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
