I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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