My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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