I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
