I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
